I had a very weird dream last night, and I hope that this one is not the kind that comes true. It started out with my ex, we were applying for a job with another guy. We were being fingerprinted. Rob was upset because I was applying for the job that my ex was applying for. I tried to explain that I wasn't working with him, we were just applying for the same job.
Then the next thing I know I am standing on this street, and I look to my left and there is a train coming at me, but it is crashing. It goes past me on both sides, but it is crashing on the street and no longer on the rails.
The train company wants to "make it up to" us survivors of the crash. It seems like they were taking me, because of my ex being an employee, and he was on the train that crashed, and I was his beneficiery. I was on this train with others and I was worried that I was on the train, afraid it would crash and I couldn't see out the front of the train. The engineer told me not to worry because he would make sure nothing happened to me.
From there, I go into this building, with all the other survivors and we have these cots to live on. There was a bunch of children and they were scared and crying, and I was trying to comfort them. A couple had wet their bed, so I was trying to comfort them. I was also very tired, so I was looking for a cot for me, and I couldn't find one. I finally started using pillows instead trying to make a place for me to sleep. My children were not there. Rob was not there. But I didn't seem worried. I seemed very much in control, though I was scared and didn't know what was going to happen next.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Going Overboard
I love my family very much. They are something that is really important to me, and I do everything I can to be there for them. This month is very hard. I don't have my girls right there to say hi to, and their dad doesn't seem to try to get them to call me, so I feel very "left out" of their lives at the moment. I do have my son around more, but he is so distant sometimes I don't feel I know how to communicate with him. We have completely different ideals- his being from being rased by his conservative dad. It hurts to know that he will never truly understand what I stand for, but I still love him as much if not more than the day he was born.
I posted something on my facebook about Kim Kardashian and her $20 Million dollar wedding and someone said, "What? People can't spend their money on themselves." Oh, I started to rant to my family about it. It isn't that I don't think people should spend their money on themselves, it is just why go so excessive?
My heart hurts, I mean really hurts for the way life is now. My sister says I am going way overboard on things, but I just can't help it. Every day I see people hurting themselves, their environment (which coincidentally is my enviroment too) and the other people around them and I see that no one cares. Oh, they pretend to care. The trial with Casey Anthony and everyone throughs a fit, "Oh, poor Caylee." Maybe they should look at it from the standpoint that the little girl doesn't have to suffer anymore. She doesn't have to grow up with parents who didn't want her, or grow up in a world where people just look out for themselves and don't care about anything. Very few people out there actually can say, "I care for others." Hospitals, Nursing homes, police houses, fire-fighters, are full of people that say, "I care." but when it comes to the nitty gritty, do they really? Ok, maybe fire-fighters. They risk their lives to go into burning buildings to help save people, but the rest of the world?
I have this pain in me, and it grows more and more each day. I know the Lord and Lady want me to be a person of love and happiness and grow to love my fellow people, but the more I see how they react, act, treat Gaia and everything else, it sickens me. Maybe that is the true test of my faith. To see if I can still follow into my path and see all the negativity that is given to this world.
Too much money is being put to waste though. I know I have no rights to tell anyone where to spend the money they work hard for, but it seems so stupid to waste it on things that are pure non-sense. When did a wedding, a marriage, become about money? Yes, I hear some of you saying, "Oh, it was about dowries long ago...." But it isn't now. Marriages should be based on love and mutual admiration and the fact that these two people want to grow together and journey in this lifetime together. They may be together next lifetime, perhaps not, but this one is the one they choose together. Shouldn't it be about the two souls joining and making a commitment together? Not what dress you are wearing or where your cake came from. What fantastic place you are having it at. It seems so wasteful and selfish. To me, it looks like you would rather put your importance on your money than on each other.
Le sigh. Perhaps I care too much. I know I should walk the path to let others walk their own, but sometimes I want to scream at the people around me. "LOOK at what you are doing! Who are you hurting!? What are you hurting!?" Then I realize I feel so invisable, and I know all is lost.
Rob says, "One person can't change it all." Is that so true though? Can you not change someones thoughts or views? How did I change? I remember being a part of a world with my ex that I thought I had to have the best of everything. I had to have a big beautiful house. I had to have the best daycare for the kids. I wanted a nice car. Now, I want the weather to cool so we can walk more places. At potential places, I look for places I could go to get to instead. I want to live on a farm so I can grow my own fruits, veggies, etc and have my own way. Sometimes I am afraid I am just trying to run away from society so I don't have to hurt at the way it is going.
You know, I see people and I wish they could see themselves like I do. Then maybe they would think better. We shouldn't be afraid to be who we are. Clothing comes from stores and just because we want people to think better of us, we think we have to shop in the mall for overpriced items that will tear up twice as fast. We think that if we go to Wal-Mart people will look down on us. Why should they?! What does the clothing on our backs have to do with the person on the inside?
I may not wear the best items, or have the most expensive jewelry, but you know what? I am a DAMN good person. I do care about others. I feel......ahhh, but there it is...I feel. Do you feel?!
I will get off my soap-box as they say. I just had to write this down before I burst. I feel too much. Sometimes, if I don't say how I feel, it gets all bottled up and I break down. I think I let it all inside too long.
I posted something on my facebook about Kim Kardashian and her $20 Million dollar wedding and someone said, "What? People can't spend their money on themselves." Oh, I started to rant to my family about it. It isn't that I don't think people should spend their money on themselves, it is just why go so excessive?
My heart hurts, I mean really hurts for the way life is now. My sister says I am going way overboard on things, but I just can't help it. Every day I see people hurting themselves, their environment (which coincidentally is my enviroment too) and the other people around them and I see that no one cares. Oh, they pretend to care. The trial with Casey Anthony and everyone throughs a fit, "Oh, poor Caylee." Maybe they should look at it from the standpoint that the little girl doesn't have to suffer anymore. She doesn't have to grow up with parents who didn't want her, or grow up in a world where people just look out for themselves and don't care about anything. Very few people out there actually can say, "I care for others." Hospitals, Nursing homes, police houses, fire-fighters, are full of people that say, "I care." but when it comes to the nitty gritty, do they really? Ok, maybe fire-fighters. They risk their lives to go into burning buildings to help save people, but the rest of the world?
I have this pain in me, and it grows more and more each day. I know the Lord and Lady want me to be a person of love and happiness and grow to love my fellow people, but the more I see how they react, act, treat Gaia and everything else, it sickens me. Maybe that is the true test of my faith. To see if I can still follow into my path and see all the negativity that is given to this world.
Too much money is being put to waste though. I know I have no rights to tell anyone where to spend the money they work hard for, but it seems so stupid to waste it on things that are pure non-sense. When did a wedding, a marriage, become about money? Yes, I hear some of you saying, "Oh, it was about dowries long ago...." But it isn't now. Marriages should be based on love and mutual admiration and the fact that these two people want to grow together and journey in this lifetime together. They may be together next lifetime, perhaps not, but this one is the one they choose together. Shouldn't it be about the two souls joining and making a commitment together? Not what dress you are wearing or where your cake came from. What fantastic place you are having it at. It seems so wasteful and selfish. To me, it looks like you would rather put your importance on your money than on each other.
Le sigh. Perhaps I care too much. I know I should walk the path to let others walk their own, but sometimes I want to scream at the people around me. "LOOK at what you are doing! Who are you hurting!? What are you hurting!?" Then I realize I feel so invisable, and I know all is lost.
Rob says, "One person can't change it all." Is that so true though? Can you not change someones thoughts or views? How did I change? I remember being a part of a world with my ex that I thought I had to have the best of everything. I had to have a big beautiful house. I had to have the best daycare for the kids. I wanted a nice car. Now, I want the weather to cool so we can walk more places. At potential places, I look for places I could go to get to instead. I want to live on a farm so I can grow my own fruits, veggies, etc and have my own way. Sometimes I am afraid I am just trying to run away from society so I don't have to hurt at the way it is going.
You know, I see people and I wish they could see themselves like I do. Then maybe they would think better. We shouldn't be afraid to be who we are. Clothing comes from stores and just because we want people to think better of us, we think we have to shop in the mall for overpriced items that will tear up twice as fast. We think that if we go to Wal-Mart people will look down on us. Why should they?! What does the clothing on our backs have to do with the person on the inside?
I may not wear the best items, or have the most expensive jewelry, but you know what? I am a DAMN good person. I do care about others. I feel......ahhh, but there it is...I feel. Do you feel?!
I will get off my soap-box as they say. I just had to write this down before I burst. I feel too much. Sometimes, if I don't say how I feel, it gets all bottled up and I break down. I think I let it all inside too long.
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